"Hmm. This slug came out a little funny.”

"Whoa, evolution, what the hell?"

"I don’t know. I think I may have mixed something up on the camouflage gene."

"You think?"

"I was distracted."

"Well, you can’t just put that in the undergrowth, it’ll get eaten in like two seconds."

"What should I do with it, then?"

"I don’t know. Throw it in Australia with the rest of the unspeakably bizarre stuff, I guess.”

One night evolution had a vision of a world where things were perfect. Life coexisted peacefully with other life; nobody fought or died or ate each other’s entrails. There were no monsters in the ocean, only leafy sea dragons, fluttering calmly back and forth to keep everyone safe. It was a world of serenity, a world of quiet splendor, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. 

“Check out this awesome dance move I invented.”

“Oh god, evolution, please stop doing that.”

“What? It’s called ‘pronking.’ All the springbok are into it.”

“I can’t take you anywhere.”

A female kangaroo is always pregnant. While one joey grows in her pouch, another one gestates in one of her two uteruses. As soon as the developed joey leaves the pouch, the next one is ready to come down the pipe—of which, by the way, she has three. Happy Mother’s Day. 

"I’m getting tired of making insects that just hatch, eat, mate, and die."

"Well, what else are they supposed to do? Seems like you’ve hit all the major requirements there, evolution."

"I don’t know, something more interesting."

"Like what?"

"Like maybe hatch underground, putter around down there for 17 years, emerge in massive swarms that tear through the countryside and dive-bomb weddings and generally freak everyone the hell out for a while, and then eat, mate, and die.”

"Hm. ‘Interesting’ is one word for that."

"I can see it now. The 17-year cicadas: Just when you thought you could forget.”

"That’s ridiculous. You watch too many movies."

“BZZZ, motherf—ers! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”