"I’m worried this vervet monkey’s testicles aren’t noticeable enough."

"Are you serious? They’re testicles, evolution. They’re obscenely noticeable.”

"I don’t know… let me just try one more thing."

Molting is a beautiful thing. When your insides start feeling a little too big for their case, you can just crack open your exoskeleton, head capsule and all, and emerge a whole new invertebrate. You get to leave your shed body behind and walk away, freed from all the trappings of your former, smaller life. 

… unless, that is, you’re a gum-leaf skeletoniser caterpillar. In that case evolution actually stacks all your old heads on top of your new one and makes you wear them around forever like a macabre stovepipe hat. I don’t know, just go with it, okay?

"Okay, evolution, what the hell is that?"

"A marvelous spatuletail hummingbird. Obviously."

"And what the hell is he doing?”

"A sexy mating dance. Obviously.”

"Don’t those big dangly tail feathers make it hard for him to fly?"

"Oh, yeah, he can’t fly for more than a few seconds. Total pain in the ass."

"Then why put them there?"

"For the sexy mating dance. Are you even paying attention?"

"Hey, I just realized something!"

"What’s that?"

"Well, I made these Amazonian frogs so they spawn, right?"

"Right…"

"So the females just lay their eggs out in the water, and the males fertilize them out in the water, and then everyone leaves the eggs alone and they grow."

"Yeah, generally.”

"No parental care necessary."

"That’s the idea."

"So it doesn’t really matter what happens to the parents, so long as the eggs get fertilized."

"Technically. Where are you going with this? "

"Well, I gave the females this handy reflex to release their eggs when males squeeze them."

"Right…"

"But sometimes all the males trying to mate with them crush them to death."

"So it goes."

"But reflexes still work a bit after you’re dead, right?"

"Oh god."

"So, like, as long as the eggs still come out of their bodies, and no one needs to be around to take care of those eggs, the males can just keep on mating with the dead females and still successfully reproduce!”

"Jesus, evolution. That’s pretty grim."

"I prefer ‘efficient.’"

"You’re messed up."

Damn it, evolution, how many times have I told you? If you’re going to leave your pufferfish lying around on the beach like that, you need to give them a better way to deal with it than… whatever the hell this is.