(satire) *Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants.* Be sure to apply to several hospitals, including a nonprestigious "safety" hospital.

(satire) Paradises are competing for elite souls, too: *Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift.*

Can you choose Valhalla, or Tlalocan, if that's where your spirit leads you?